When is the time for "alert" - Investigations of infidelity
Updated: May 30, 2022
Is the lack of attention of the partner a sufficient reason for "alarm"? Do you suspect that your spouse is cheating? You are not alone and we were lucky to help many people in similar situations to get the information they need for divorce and to move on with their lives. Our team of the Swiss Detective Agency will find out the truth you need to be calm and make an informed decision. One of the most important things to consider when dealing with an infidelity situation is working with a team that understands your needs and feels about your situation.
Is the reason for infidelity a loss of interest in your partner or is it simply that your partner arouses the most beautiful or worst emotion in you ?! The possibility of a loved one being unfaithful can be embarrassing and extremely disruptive to your daily life. With a simple Google search, you can find various articles from people around the world who admit to knowing the definite signs that their partner is cheating, some of them covering obvious things like coming home smelling like someone else's perfume or after shaving, in the right way on comprehensive lists. Constantly in conflict with yourself and which would leave you in doubt about the loyalty of the most loyal partner on the planet.
We specialize in researching the behavior of unfaithful / cheating partners and marital issues, so we talk to people from all walks of life and at different stages of suspicion. Some people see it firsthand, and others simply enter the early stages of doubt, but the problem is that doubt about your partner is likely to affect the way you treat them, and that can be part of the problem. It is unhealthy to be suspicious all the time and it quickly turns into bitterness and resentment, so it is important to close the problem and not allow it to accumulate in the background. We deal with people who have either been cheated or suspected of being cheated every day and we monitor that by investigating those allegations and uncovering the truth, so we are pretty good at distinguishing signs of someone cheating and random facts that led a person to believe their partner is cheating.
We will cite the example of our client who hired us because he suspected that his girlfriend was cheating on him (now his ex-girlfriend). This case ended a few years ago and the names are not identical to those under investigation. Here is how the girl described infidelity.
"It was the summer after my last year of college (he was second) when I cheated on Kevin for the first time. I lived at home for a month, to have a short break between graduating and moving to New York, and I was more or less satisfied with how things were going: We agreed to go on a long journey when he finished his last two years of school. One night I got very drunk and ended up going home with a guy from high school, who happened to be one of my first childhood lovers. We had sex — as if I had to cross it off my list before moving on to a new chapter in my life.
I waited four or five months before telling Kevin. Our relationship became more serious and there was talk of the M-word (marriage). I didn't want secrets, and suddenly that was all I could think about. When Kevin came to visit me one weekend at my dad's, I almost told him. But we had such a great visit that I didn't want to spoil it. Of course, I waited right after he left. He literally drove away from my house when I called him and vomited everything "I have something to tell you", I told him. Then I fell silent, and he said, "What? Now you have to tell me." I said, "You know when I was home over the summer? I slept with Justin. I swear it meant nothing and it will never happen again." (Could I have been more of a cliché? Probably not, but I thought so.) Kevin said he had to hang up, and I begged him to drive so we could talk in person. Yes, but then he was so uncomfortable and awful that he left five minutes later. In the movies, we would talk about it and cry, and then everything would be fine, maybe we would end up with makeup. But the reality was that I turned into a manic mess, sending him messages over and over again.
For every five messages I sent, I would respond to one, so I knew there was hope. Although I cheated on him, I loved him and didn't want our relationship to end because of a stupid mistake I made. I realized that I was not good at being away from him - I enjoyed flirting and needed attention - but when we were physically together, I had no desire or need to be with anyone else. This is probably why, looking back, I cheated on Kevin again. This time with a colleague, who kissed me out of the blue. I really thought: No, no, this is not what I want — but I knew there must have been subtle things I did that led this person (to be clear: they didn't attack me in any way). A friend of mine told me I was flirting with everyone, and I said, "No, I don't! I just have a lively personality." But now I look back and see that I really flirted with anyone and everyone.
I didn’t tell Kevin about the kiss, mostly because it wasn't something I even wanted. But then I got drunk at a bar during football season and kissed a rando. I didn't tell him about that either. I knew that a kiss counted as cheating, but if it was something I could easily forget, I didn't see the point in telling him. Then my cheating hit a new level. I got into a very emotional relationship with another man, Hunter. We only saw each other a handful of times, but we talked all the time—I’d text him first about everything instead of turning to Kevin. I mean, it was Kevin's final semester in college, so he was out partying all the time and wasn’t as there for me, but I knew my attachment to this other guy meant something. Things were fine for a while—but deep down, I knew that something was missing between me and Kevin. I knew that he was either not the right person for me if I continually had to look outside the relationship for something, or that things were never going to be the same after I told him about that first night with Justin.
I started to get really secretive, talking to a guy from my past and Hunter, who would still text me from time to time. I put a screen protector on my phone that camouflaged my texts so that Kevin couldn't see who I was talking to while we watched movies on the couch. I was deleting texts, turning conversations into jumbled pieces. Then I got paranoid that Kevin, who seemed distant, was doing something.I checked his phone one day and saw a conversation with this girl that didn’t make sense. It looked like he had deleted texts, and I was beyond curious. I asked him about it (yes, I told him I went through his phone), and he denied it until finally admitting that he met a girl at a football game. They started talking, he said, because he wasn’t getting my attention anymore. We got in a big fight...I even bit him. After that, we both knew that there was no saving our relationship anymore. Shortly after, I moved to a different city for a job, where I met my now-husband.”
Did you find evidence of the affair? Infidelity is one of the leading causes of breakup and divorce, it can remain undetected for years. One of the most painful and devastating things that can happen to you is knowing that your spouse is cheating on you. It is equally painful to know if your spouse is cheating on you, and the possibility of your loved one being unfaithful can be annoying and extremely disruptive to your daily life.
From our experience so far, we can introduce you to a few signs that indicate the infidelity of a partner, to begin with:
1. My partner is always using their phone
When you’ve got two WhatsApp groups pinging and a group message with the team from work it can be difficult to ignore your phone so they may seem glued to it and it may well be completely harmless so you might think you have a right to see it but if your partner asked to see your phone just after one of your single friends had put a screenshot of a late-night message from tinder, you probably wouldn’t be too keen to share it either. We all deserve some privacy so not sharing passwords is definitely not something to be concerned about. From our experience, we find that the people who are genuinely trying to hide who they are communicating with tend to become very defensive over their phone so they will make excuses like I’m listening to music in the shower’ so they can take their phone to the bathroom.
The biggest concern is making excuses to use the phone in private, when you go into the shop they might suggest they’ll wait outside and when you return they are on their phone with their back to you. These tend to be the signs that they’re using their phone for more than a touch of banter.
2. Started going to the gym again
Healthy living is becoming more and more popular so taking up a gym routine isn’t abnormal and it can be caused by hundreds of factors not just trying to impress the opposite sex. The reason for returning to the gym could genuinely be to put some more effort into their physical appearance, that doesn’t have to be for you or anybody else it could be for themselves as it’s a great way to improve self-esteem and build confidence. We have followed people straight to ex-partners' houses and to bars/restaurants while they are supposedly at the gym so it can make a great cover story but there are fairly simple indicators that should tell you whether they are lying or not.
Look for simple things like a gym kit, do they seem sweaty, or do they have a sweaty gym kit in a bag? On average a gym session will last between 1-2 hours so they are consistently spending 3-4 hours in the gym you may want to consider speaking to a private investigator. Remember changes don’t happen overnight so don’t assume they are cheating because they have been to the gym for 2 weeks and don’t have a six-pack yet.
3. They are always working overtime
It may be by choice that they have taken on an increased amount of overtime or it may be compulsory, in either situation you need to remember that all companies have busy periods and deadlines to meet so it's not always optional. Using your head can get you a long way when it comes to overtime, if your partner is a project manager then it's very likely they will, at times, have an increased workload and won’t have any other choice than to take up over time, if your partner is a lifeguard at a leisure center there is probably limited times that they could be required to work even if it was busier than usual. We have seen people who work in a regular 9-5 office job claiming they are working on Sundays and bank holidays and made trips to their office only to find the lights off and a barricade across the car park.
If you are expecting a new child or are looking to save a deposit for your first house then taking on ‘compulsory’ overtime may be a noble way of trying to bring in some extra income. Consider the times of year and months that overtime may take place, end of a month for many businesses is stressful, with targets looming and deadlines to meet, extra working hours can often be a necessity.
4. Out with a ‘Friend of a friend’
So after a stag do or a girl's holiday three months your partner has become friends with a ‘friend of a friend, they don’t live nearby, they don’t work together and you don’t have any mutual friends so when your partner says they are going out with them on a Friday night you know you’re going to have to take it as gospel because your not going to see this new friends partner on Instagram saying it’s a night in with the dog because their partner is going out with so and so. The “friend of a friend” is often a very easy excuse because your partner knows that you can’t cross-examine their friends, you can’t ask too many questions because you don’t know them and most of all you can’t try and catch them out at the Christmas party by asking how that night out on the 4th of August was when they were with your partner. Unfortunately, it’s not a fact that going out with the friend of a friend means they are cheating, it is likely that your partner will get on with friends of friends because they are in similar social circles so have things in common.
We tend to find the giveaway signs are trying to be deliberately vague with details and doing anything possible to avoid speaking about the night of the event. Usually, you would expect somebody to share some stories about their night so it’s the quick change of subject when asked that we find is the best indicator.
5. Working away all the time
This is probably the most cliché sign of cheating and we hear it on a daily basis, millions of people travel up and down the country for a variety of work-related reasons, some attending meetings, and others have skills that require them to be on-location. Our investigations have seen people using the working away excuse to drive 15 minutes down the road and stay at another person’s house only to find out the man had children with other women and was essentially living a ‘double life’ with two women less than 10 miles apart. (For obvious reasons it would be difficult for a woman to have a child without her partner knowing but that doesn’t mean they are any less guilty of cheating than men) We have also seen an awful lot of people staying in hotels in other cities because their job starts at 8 am and they need to be mentally and physically on point so a 3-hour commute is not feasible.
Signs to look out for are things like packing a favorite shirt or dress when they’re supposed to be plastering or attending a business meeting. Another telltale sign is insisting that they will do their own washing or put their washing straight into the washing machine when usually it would go in the washing basket like any other day.
6. Doesn’t pay you attention anymore
This is probably the most subjective and unreliable sign that somebody is cheating, the actual reason behind this could be one of a million things. Relationships do change and people do become complacent, lazy, and comfortable so if your relationship is still relatively speaking in its early stages we would encourage you not to use this as a sole indicator that your partner is cheating.
Understandably if this is being exhibited alongside four other telltale signs of cheating then you should consider speaking to them and if that fails maybe look at speaking to a professional – only you can decide whether that be a dating expert, a friend, or an investigator.
7. Lack of sexual appetite
Yet again this one is something many of our customers hint at but won’t openly say until they feel comfortable enough to discuss the fact they haven’t had sex for six months. If your partner has always had a low sex drive then you would be irrational to think that this is down to them getting their thrills elsewhere, even seeing a drastic reduction could be put down to a number of attributes.
Let’s be honest neither of you is in the peak physical condition you were when you first met and the spark may have faded slightly but this kind of change is actually a very common side effect of stress or depression so try not to jump to conclusions. Of all the accusations we hear this one has probably been the least successful indicator that you have a cheating partner.
8. Aggressively switches accusations back at you
The easiest way to defend against accusations is to react with counter-accusations so it’s very common for somebody who is cheating to become aggressive when accused of something. “The best defense is a good offense”. Although this issue isn’t something we can really investigate a lot of our customers that actually have cheating partners tell us whenever they try to ask questions about their behavior or activities their partners make ridiculous claims that they once did something similar and have no right to point fingers even if it sounds childish. The other common response is “your just paranoid or your losing the plot, stop looking for things that aren’t there”.
This aggression isn’t necessarily displaying how angry they are but more a distraction tactic to stop you from probing. If this is the case you should try speaking to somebody and even if you don’t want to speak to friends or family you can seek free confidential consultation.
9. Zero detail about nights out or activities
Some couples share every microscopic detail whereas other couples don’t, that’s human nature and some parts a reflection of how close your relationship is. When people start to cheat they can often feel pressure when talking about the cover story or the time that it happened so they avoid talking about it, you would expect to have a chat about a night out even if it was just general chit-chat about enjoying themselves or not. If they don’t want to give details or they seem reluctant to talk about it that could be an indicator that their story won’t match up with the one you have been told.
Not speaking about a one-off event could be down to being too drunk or actually having an uneventful night but when we see this kind of behavior become the norm it raises suspicion.
10. When away they are unreachable after a certain time
If your partner works away frequently and consistently has an excuse why they are unreachable after a certain time we would seriously consider looking for help. After years of experience working with investigations of this nature, we can confidently say this is the signal we take the most seriously. Some hotels may have poor reception and we all forget our chargers from time to time but if your partner always has an excuse for why they cannot be contacted after a certain time it is probably because they are doing something they don’t want you knowing about.
Some provide elaborate excuses every time and others try to use the excuse that they need to get to bed at 7 PM because they have an early start. This excuse is usually accompanied by what we call the ‘check-in’, this is the phone call you to receive early evening where they explain the reason you shouldn’t phone them for the rest of the evening.
Our experience has shown us that any of these issues in isolation could be attributed to a million different factors but a combination of them is much more likely to be a good indicator. Everybody is different and these indicators may be in your partner's nature but changes in behavior especially drastic changes are things you should be wary of.
Trust your gut, it doesn’t matter if it’s one thing or three things on the list, there could be other signs but if you know that it's true then trust your instinct because most of us find it comforting to ignore the signs. That’s our emotional side trying to be optimistic but your gut is the logical side of your brain telling you that if it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then it probably is a duck.
If you have tried speaking to your partner about the issue(s) and still can’t get to the bottom of it or get the doubts out of your mind then don’t feel asking for help is weird or that you are the only one going through these things. Some people have friends and family they openly discuss it with but others prefer to speak to somebody they don’t know so they don’t feel as though they are being judged or called paranoid for having to ask the questions they are asking.
If worries about your spouse are affecting your relationship or causing stress, talk to one of our professional private investigators today. Fill in the online form or invite us to contact tel.: +41 44 586 60 33. Our team of investigators will be happy to help you.
Swiss Detective Agency
T. +41 44 586 60 33